Where's Claybourne?
Oh, Claybourne. Claybourne.
Fuck. Claybourne.
Where's Claybourne?
lt was Bette's house.
She bought it before we met...
...but she put me on the title after l moved in.
Did you contribute to mortgage payments?
l offered, but Bette never wanted me to.
l made good money as a development executive...
...but not as much as Bette, and she insisted on paying.
And you always did what Bette wanted?
No.
Did you pay for anything?
l paid for utilities, and l...
...paid for the food, although most of the utilities are in Bette's name.
Of course they are. That's the way she wanted it.
Why should the little wife put her name on anything?
That's absolutely not the case, l--
l just never bothered to change it.
Look, l don't even know why l'm here. l'm not going after Bette's money.
-lf we wind up in court-- -Wind up in court? l--
l don't want to be here.
She had to do something, so l hooked her up.
With a lawyer?
Joyce Wischnia is the leading gay civil rights attorney in L.A.
Jesus, Al, you and your fucking '' best of'' lists.
Bette and Tina don't need that.
l wasn't really thinking about Bette. l was thinking about Tina.
-Fine. What do you think she needs? -l don't know.
A lap dance, maybe.
Not a fucking lawyer.
Closed?
What?
Shit.
Want me to tell you why you need a lawyer?
Okay.
ln the eyes of the world...
...especially the world as embodied by the courts...
...you are shit.
You gave up your autonomy in a relationship...
...that the law doesn't recognize...
...and your ex controls everything.
She always said what's hers is mine.
lt doesn't matter whose name it was in.
lf l needed money in my checking account, l just took it from savings.
l was authorized on the account.
l never had to ask her for anything.
Does it bother you if l smoke?
l really wish that you wouldn't.
lf you don't mind.
Okay.
Let's review the facts.
Did you give up your career at her urging?
-Yes. -Did you make a home for her?
Did you cook, decorate, entertain...
...fill the house with liveliness and warmth?
Yes.
Okay.
Did you offer your womb to give birth to her child?
Bette doesn't know about this.
Nobody knows about this.
-You're kidding. -l just started showing.
l had a miscarriage about five months ago.
Bette didn't handle it so well.
l didn't want her to go through it again.
So you went and got inseminated on your own...
...and you're protecting her until you're sure it's gonna stick?
Yeah.
And she cheated on you. Spread her legs for another woman.
-Could you please not say that? -lt's true. Deal with it.
-Doesn't it make you angry? -Fuck, yes.
So, what do you want? Take responsibility for yourself.
Get what you rightfully deserve. Don't let Bette decide that for you.
Look, Tina, l am not a marriage wrecker.
lf you want to get back together with Bette....
Do you?
l don't know.
Well, either way...
...you have to come from a position of strength.
Whether or not you and Bette eventually reconcile...
...especially if you decide to get back together...
...and rebuild your relationship...
...first you need to have your autonomy.
-Can you see why? -Yes, l can see why.
l want my autonomy.
Okay.
Who is Bette's lawyer?
The Somalian Head Trip, the espresso of the day...
-...is that different than regular shot? -No.
-lt's not? -No.
Okay, well, then can l have two of whichever is strongest.
-Okay. -Okay?
And can l have it filled in a tall cup, half way?
-Okay, any flavouring? -What, in my coffee?
What the fuck is he talking about, flavouring?
Hey, guys.
Sorry, excuse us. Sorry, excuse me.
Shane does not know what she's doing here.
-What do you have at the Planet? -A double shot.
Give her a Baby Mind Blower with an extra hit of espresso.
You're gonna need the extra hit.
The Mind Blower is still not as strong as Planet coffee.
And we will each have a Toffee Nut Caramel Soy Far Out Frappe.
You don't mind, right, since we're here?
A Toffee Nut Soy--?
-Far Out Frappe. -Far Out Frappe. That's--
-That's intense, Tonya. -lt's what l'm in the mood for.
Dana didn't say she was in the mood for one, though.
No, but she likes what l like.
She wants what l want more than what she wants, right?
lt's true. l do.
That's so nice.
So lesbian.
lvan's not calling me back.
lvan doesn't wanna talk.
Just tell me where she-- He is.
l've been to the apartment, he's not there.
He's got a cabin in ldyllwild.
-He's got a cabin? -Yeah.
lvan's got a cabin.
Yeah, yeah. Dude's set up.
Hey, l appreciate you being protective...
...but it's not what you think.
l really care for lvan.
Sure.
l need to talk to him.
No, what happened, you know, with the two of you....
When l saw her?
When you saw her, yeah.
l know l shouldn't have busted in. l should have waited.
lt was bad.
l know it was bad for lvan, but it was unsettling for me too, you know.
But we can get past that.
Yeah, well, maybe not lvan.
Oh, it's crazy. Of course we can.
Just let me have his address, please?
No, it'd be better to wait.
-Let him chill for a few days. -l can't wait.
When lvan gets back, don't mention it, like it didn't happen.
Dax, l can't wait.
l don't have a few days. You know what l'm saying?
Bette, l scoured the rentals.
These guys do a lot of short stays, people coming in to do movies.
Give me that. l cannot fucking afford movie-star prices.
Sorry, no, you misunderstood.
lt's crew people, not movie stars.
Oh, okay. l'm sorry.
-Go ahead. -Okay.
Here it is. lt's a little one-bedroom over on Barham.
-ln the valley? -On the cusp.
lt has a 323 area code.
What, are you trying to make sure she leaves me?
lt rents month-to-month.
lf she wants to come home after a month--
-l want you to keep looking. -Okay, l'll keep looking.
And find something nicer. l will not have Tina living like that.
Well, if you're willing-- lf you want to sign a six-month lease, l saw--
l will sign a six-month lease.
l don't care if l lose my money if it means Tina's coming home.
Okay.
-Here we go. This is-- -Come in.
l thought you'd be interested to know l got a call from Tina's lawyer.
-What kind of lawyer? -Her name is Joyce Wischnia...
...and she claims to specialize in civil and family matters.
She's famous.
-l never heard of her. -She's a gay civil rights lawyer.
Supports same-sex adoptions. Tina and l were gonna use her.
She does estate planning and child custody...
...domestic-partnership arrangements...
...and separation and divorce.
The hunter and the hunted.
You have 20 minutes to write.
lt's fiction. Not an essay. Not a poem.
Not a stream-of-consciousness bellow of yearning from your soul.
Where's Aaron Engleberg?
Where did you learn about violin making, Aaron?
lt's been passed down through my family.
My great-grandfather, my grandfather and my father...
...all are master violin makers.
Very poignant. Lovely story. lt was my favourite submission.
Thank you.
The author of Storm Seller, S-E-L-L-E-R?
-Hunter Kirby. -Nice use of metaphor, Hunter.
But watch out for the puns.
And tell your dad l said hello.
l will, and my godfather says to say hello.
-Who's your godfather? -Edward Albee.
Where is Sarah Shuster?
Jenny Schecter, actually.
Jenny Schecter, Sarah Shuster....
Well, well.
Ms. Schecter has written a story called Thus Spok e Sarah Shuster.
-Yes, l realize that it's arrogant. -Well, arrogant is fine.
Hubristic, overly precious bad puns are to be avoided...
...especially if someone wants to be accepted into my class.
Shall we begin?
The hunter and the hunted....
No, no!
This never happened.
That's it. Put down your pens.
That's right.
And cut. Back to first positions, please.
Oh, God. How long have you been there?
Just a-- Just a few minutes.
l saw that sexy guitar player hitting on you.
Yeah.
l hope you don't mind. Your mom told me where you were.
Oh, no, no, l don't mind.
-Come with me? -Yeah.
Well, also, l wanted to apologize about the other night.
l was an asshole.
l know you don't wanna talk to me.
Who told you where l am?
Look, we need to talk so we can get this behind us.
Well, l'm busy right now.
lvan, l need your help...
...and l know it's a bad time, but l just need 1 5 minutes.
No, that's okay, you know?
You don't wanna get involved with anybody, and that is cool.
-l'm glad it's cool with you. -lt's totally cool.
Well, it doesn't mean that we can't fuck.
You wanna fuck me?
Carmen? Hey, Carmen!
-Oh, fuck. -lgnore it.
-What's your 20? -God. No, l can't--
-Carmen? -Yeah, go for Carmen.
I need a fresh battery ASAP.
-Carmen? -No, no. Wait, wait.
Okay, yeah, right away.
Stand by.
What are you doing later?
Oh, God. l have to go over to my grandmother's.
l can't let her down.
No problem.
l could come over to your place late.
No. No, my roommates are gonna be there.
Well, what about tomorrow?
No, tomorrow l'm getting a lap dance.
Well, l could do a lap dance for you.
l'd like that.
But it's for my friend.
She just-- She got out of this relationship.
Yeah, those relationships.
They can really fuck you up.
Yeah.
You want a beer?
You're not drinking?
lt's non-alcoholic.
l'm not gonna blow my sobriety, Kit.
lvan, this doesn't have to be that hard.
l mean, after seeing you as a woman, your body's beautiful.
Unless you don't wanna be beautiful--
Just tell me what you want from me, okay?
l brought my business plan.
My sister Bette is gonna cosign for the loan...
...but the bank won't lend me the 7 5,000...
...unless l can come up with 50,000 in cash...
...and she just doesn't have it.
$50,000 is a lot of money.
Well, tomorrow, l have to meet Manfredi Ferrer, Marina's dad...
...and if l don't have it together, then it's over for me.
Leave your business plan. l'll look it over.
l've got things l need to do now.
lvan...
...is there a chance?
You shouldn't count on me.
Wild boar hunting.
Well, that's certainly a literal interpretation.
Glock's submission looks promising.
l like the description of the lawn mower.
Always go for detail.
l see that Jenny Schecter set her story of the hunter and the hunted...
...in a carnival.
ls it a true story, Schecter?
Yes. How did you know?
lt lacks imagination.
You haven't transformed it into fiction.
Thanks for trying, people.
You'll all hear from me within the next 1 0 days.
Why are we doing this?
Because we want them in the wedding.
We want them in the wedding photos. We want your father to give you away.
Yeah, give me away.
He's probably gonna disown me.
-They know we're getting married? -Yes.
And they haven't disowned us yet, have they?
Pookie, the worst they can do...
...is refuse to acknowledge us.
Which is pretty much what they're doing already, right?
-l need you to go get ready. -Okay.
l need you to wear your hair in a ponytail...
...and let me take care of everything else, okay?
Okay.
Fuck, Tina. Your shit's everywhere.
Fuck.
Where the fuck is Tina?
Bette.
She's not here, but you're welcome to come in.
She's at work. She and Oscar are into some big project.
Did you know she's hiring a lawyer?
She's not hiring one. She just went for a consultation.
Provide bank statements?
Have the house reappraised? Supply a list of my assets?
-Does that sound like a consultation? -She was just getting some advice.
l thought she needed it to feel like she had some options.
You thought?
You know what, she doesn't have any money.
She doesn't have anything of her own anymore.
So you sent her to Joyce Wischnia?
l just suggested she see a lawyer.
-Fuck you. -Fuck me?
Yeah, fuck you. Weren't you my friend?
l'm still your friend, totally, but you can be a little cruel.
l've been there. l remember.
That's low.
You and l dated for six weeks. lt was never gonna go anywhere.
l did us both a favour.
lt's just Tina's hurting.
And l would kind of like my place back someday.
Well, l'll tell you what, my friend.
You can judge me all you want to.
Make me into a pariah. l fucking deserve it.
But don't you dare interfere with my life, okay?
Don't cross that line again.
l didn't mean to cross a line.
l'm sorry.
To sponsorship.
To my little girl's brilliant career.
Oh, is this a Skinny Russian?
Well, l knew that was your drink, Sharon.
Mom, it's actually Tonya that's the brilliant one.
She's the one who locked in the GM deal.
That's just the beginning.
Sharon, lrwin, do you realize what an impact Dana can have?
Because, she's-- Well, because she's beautiful.
Because she looks like the beautiful girl next door.
l think Dana's pretty near perfect.
Dana and your wife, two perfect examples...
...of strength balanced by femininity.
Sharon, lrwin, Dana and l have something we'd like to ask you.
No, sorry, you cannot have the Tiffany lamps...
...until Daddy and l are ready to downsize.
Well, you know that we've set a date.
We'd really like your blessing.
l don't know what difference that makes.
lt would mean a lot.
Mom?
You know, l-- l really don't understand.
l mean, look at you two.
Both of you, such pretty girls.
Neither of you would have trouble finding a man.
Oh, God. We don't wanna find a man, Mom.
-God! -Dana--
No, it's just frustrating.
l try to tell you guys, and you just don't listen.
lt's okay.
Sharon, l was engaged once before.
l don't know if Dana told you.
No. No, she didn't.
Well, his name was Bayard.
He was smart and successful. He was a real-estate lawyer.
He was totally in love with me.
Now, l tried really hard to make that one work...
...but every night, l would wake up in the middle of the night crying.
And one night, Bayard woke up and found me like that.
-Do you know what he did? -Damned if l do.
He got down on one knee and he said:
''Tonya...
...will you not marry me?
Because l know what's in your heart...
...and l love you too much to make you unhappy.
Be true to yourself, Tonya.
Follow your heart.''
Am l really saving the environment if l order an Awesome?
Not if it spills in your Prius.
Hi, l'm gonna try that Toffee Nut Caramel Soy Frapp--
No, no, no.
Tonya ordered it yesterday. lt was lethal.
Oh, too bad she didn't keel over and die.
-Al. -Oh, l'm sorry.
Was that too brutally frank and honest for you?
l don't know, you guys. l don't trust her, and l hope Dana gets a prenup.
She should go see Joyce Wischnia.
What? Don't get me involved in that.
Bette totally reams me for suggesting Tina see a lawyer.
Well, l can't blame her. Sorry, Tina.
l've been taking care of people my whole life.
lt's about time l started to take care of myself.
That's why l need a lawyer.
Yeah, but-- Poor Bette.
Well, she's not exactly the innocent party.
Yeah, l know...
...but getting a lawyer means things will get ugly.
Couldn't you just try to work it out together?
Bette and l need equal footing before there's any chance...
...that we could work anything out.
l need my autonomy.
l don't think that l wrote very well yesterday.
And l think that Madame Birch didn't really like me.
Oh, well, she was probably jealous because you're so gifted and hot.
Of course.
Come on. Come meet my friends.
Today's the day. You're gonna love Ling Ling.
Okay.
-Okay, now, Ling Ling-- -Yeah.
--is the graphic designer.
-Right? -Actually, not quite.
-Ling Ling's seven months old. -Okay.
Her mom, Claudia, is the graphic designer.
-Right. -And her other mother, Margaret...
-...is the geriatric nurse. -Right, right, right.
And they have an adopted Chinese baby.
-Yeah. -Okay. Who else?
-ls it all gonna be couples today? -Yeah.
Yeah, most of my friends are married.
They sort of took care of me after Claybourne and l broke up.
They were really happy when l met you.
Does she know that we're having coffee?
She's in Newport Beach with her family.
No, she doesn't know, but l'm not hiding it.
lf she's at the beach, we could've just met at your place...
...like the good old days.
But we have rules and we're trying to follow them.
Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?
No. No, not at all. You?
Piece of cake.
Come on, Ling Ling. Come on. Say your word.
Come on, Ling Ling. Come on, say your word.
She just said her first word.
Come on, say your word.
-You wanna have children, Jenny? -Oh, gosh, l don't know.
l don't know, you know?
l just kind of feel like l shouldn't be thinking about it now, you know?
You've got time.
Robin should probably be the first to get pregnant.
Nora, what are you doing?
Well, you gotta get on with it.
Robin's gonna make a great mother. She's a born nurturer.
Yes, she's a-- She's a very kind lady.
lt's a little soon for them to be talking about children.
Oh, come on, we're lesbians. We talk about everything.
Anyway, one of the problems with Claybourne was not talking enough.
Robin didn't even know Claybourne didn't believe in monogamy...
...until the day of the wedding.
Did you know Claybourne cheated on Robin at their own wedding?
You should've been there. She was stunning.
We'd like to see her in that tux again.
Thank you very much for the day.
You're welcome.
Do you want to be alone, or should l come in?
l think that we need to talk.
Okay.
-Talk to me. -l like you very much.
That's a very bad way to begin a conversation.
Okay, l'm sorry.
l'm just not ready to be married again.
Jen, l haven't asked you to marry me.
Robin, it's so obvious to me that's what you want.
And l kind of feel like, l don't know, that you set me up or something.
Oh, no, no. They leapt to that conclusion...
...because that's what they want for me.
Don't punish me because my friends want me to find a partner.
Okay, l'm not trying to punish you.
Look, Robin, l'm just realizing that l need to....
l just need to be alone right now.
Jen, you can have time alone.
You don't have to be with me every second.
Okay.
l need to try and be self-sufficient.
Well, l've never really been on my own before.
And...
...l think that l need to just feel scared.
Well, there's nothing to be scared of.
l'm not a scary person.
-l'm a loving-- -Oh, Robin, come on.
l mean, l'm terrified of being on my own.
l've just gotta make myself do it, Robin, and l can't--
l can't distract myself by creating all this fucking labyrinth-like drama...
...that l'm so good at creating.
And l promise you that you do not wanna get sucked...
...into my fucking bullshit.
You know what? Don't, okay?
Don't tell me what l want and don't want. l know what l fucking want.
-Well, l'm gonna speak for myself. -Please.
This is-- This is what l want.
l can't believe you're doing this.
-l can't go through this again. -l don't know, Robin.
That's why l'm saying we should stop now...
...before we actually go through anything.
Can l ask you something?
Did l blow it by taking you to meet my friends today?
No. l think that your friends seem like really good people.
And they seem...
...very mature and very...
...settled in their life.
So you don't wanna be in a relationship?
No, l don't.
You just wanna sleep with people, make them fall in love with you...
...so you can fuck with their heads?
No, that's not what l want.
Well, that's what you did.
Right.
That's why l think we should end this right now, before...
...l disappoint you any more than l obviously have.
Hello? This is she.
l don't think women, especially lesbians...
...should exploit other women.
Well, the strippers l know do it because they love it.
Wait a minute. Haven't you ever had a lap dance?
ls there anyone else here who has never had a lap dance?
Oh, my innocent, little sweetie.
Would you like one?
That would be okay with you?
Well, if Dana wanted one.
But she doesn't want anyone else's booty on her booty right now.
Do you, pookie?
What?
Just-- Dana, she's getting married.
Hey, l'm just picking up. l'll be two minutes.
Okay, thanks.
l don't think l want the first woman to ever touch me other than Bette...
...to be a stripper.
Did l hear what l think l just heard?
Bette's the only woman you've ever been with?
You heard it right, missus.
We are getting you a lap dance tonight.
-Zoë! -No one else heard me.
What'd you say?
Here you go. Thanks.
Hey, Bette. Bette.
l'm sorry.
Thanks.
Wait, wait.
This sucks.
Yeah, this sucks.
Listen, l've gotta go. l gotta go meet Kit, so....
l'm just....
l'm just sorry.
l'm really sorry.
Thanks.
-What do you think, huh? -l think it's hideous.
Well, they're all different. Some have real boobies.
Just keep looking. You'll find someone you like.
Come on, honey. lt's good fun. Come on.
Well, maybe we can get Mr. Ferrer to give you more time.
l can go to the bank with you, and we can try again.
Try what?
We can try to get them to lend you the full amount.
l can put up some artwork as collateral.
No, l can't have you do that. lt's too much.
You're already putting yourself on the line.
l wouldn't be doing this if l thought l was gonna lose my shirt, okay?
Thank you.
That means the world to me.
But l don't think Marina's daddy is gonna give us a break.
He sounds like he wants to get this over with fast.
Hey there, good-looking. Can l get you anything to drink?
Thanks.
Well, can l offer you anything else? l got a lot to offer.
l'm with my friends, but maybe later.
Maybe later.
You're a player, right?
Right. Yeah.
-Oh, sorry, l-- -What are you doing?
-l have to go to the bathroom. -That's against the rules.
-l have to go, Al. -Are you 3?
-Can't you hold it for a minute? -No.
Fine. Fine, go in.
Sorry.
Go on.
You guys, hurry up.
Tina found someone she likes, l think.
Wow, that's exciting.
Come in.
You gotta be quick.
Jesus, is that him?
Count Dracula rides a hog?
Excellent. Maybe he's more down-to-earth than l thought.
-Ladies. -lvan, what are you doing here?
l have a cashier's check for $50,000. l'm coming in as your partner.
-Oh, lvan. -lt's a business arrangement, Kit.
Straight up. l'm in because l like the plan.
l'm your silent partner. Nothing to do with your day-to-day.
Okay? l don't need to hear from you. l won't be hanging around.
l see a statement once a month.
-But, lvan, l'd-- -That's how it's gotta be.
lf you want it.
Good luck.
So you wanna tell me what's going on?
Supposedly Tina found a girl she likes.
No, l mean with you and Dana.
l don't know what you're talking about.
Are you guys getting it on yet, or what?
No!
Okay, okay.
We kissed.
How'd you figure--? Does anyone else know?
l doubt it.
You're a freak, you know that, Shane?
Check it out.
-Excuse me, ladies. -Hi.
You go, girl.
Come on. Give her some encouragement, T.
Do you notice anything about her?
Yeah, she looks a little bit like Bette.
l am Manfredi della Francesco Ferrer.
Buonasera, Count Manfredi.
Si, but l don't have a lot of time, so just show me what l need to know.
The money is in place?
l want a glass of wine.
-Red or white? -Red.
French or ltalian, not one of those California abominations.
Well, l heard that California wines are pretty good these days.
l hate Los Angeles.
l don't know why Marina came here.
This is a loan for $7 5,000 with a contingency, si?
Yes, l have here $50,000 in a cashier's check.
l think Marina felt she had a home here.
She had a lot of good friends.
Bullshit.
Who are you? Which one is Kit Porter?
l am.
-And you are? -Bette Porter.
-You're the one. -The one what?
Such judges, you Americans.
You sit in judgment on the whole world.
-Who gave you this power to judge? -Wait a minute, Your Highness...
...or whatever you would like for us to call you.
Are you really such an exemplary person? Are you perfect?
-Are you better than anyone else? -No. No, l'm not.
You're so conventional, you Americans, thinking one style of life...
...is better than another.
We have so many ways.
Look, l know that l judged Marina too harshly...
-...but that doesn't give you the right-- -The heart is stronger than the head.
Remember.
And everyone is capable to commit a passionate crime...
...and everyone deserves the compassion to start again.
Amen to that.
So how is your daughter? ls she okay?
-My daughter? -Marina.
Marina is not my daughter.
We are married 1 2 years.
Marina is my wife.
And she is in a hospital in Milano.
And no thanks to your friendship.
Everything looks here to be in order.
My people will call you to conclude the business.
-Hey. -Hey.
So what did you all do?
Nothing much. We just hung out.
l'm glad you called me.
l was feeling pretty lonely.
-Do you want one? -No, thanks.
Tina hired a lawyer, you know.
Yeah, l heard.
How did l let this get so fucked up, Shane?
Shit's not always in our control.
l used to think that it was.
l learned early on that if you wanna avoid that big mess that sucks...
...and fucks with your life...
...you just keep it simple.
You mean, like sex with no emotional entanglements?
Right.
That's just me.
l don't think that applies to you. You're a very well-rounded individual.
l don't know.
l think l just might like to study at your feet, Shane.
-Hey. -Hey, who's that?
Oh, hey.
Come on over and have a beer with us.
Okay.
-Hello. -Hey.
We were just talking about sex with no emotional entanglements.
l like the sound of that.
lt's not for everyone.
You know what? With the day l've had, that sounds like that's for me.
Cheers.
-Catching up on current events? -Yes.
These are all the local newspapers...
...with people advertising for roommates.
l just put this ad in craigslist looking for a roommate.
l hope that l don't get a bunch of crazies.
-So you're looking for a roommate? -Yeah.
l don't even know how to screen people or what l should ask in rent.
-Would they get their own room? -Yeah, yeah.
lt's a two-bedroom house.
We should talk.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-Okay. -Why not, right?
-Yeah. -All right.
Are you laughing?